A Guide To Public Restrooms

Walking into a public restroom is like a box of chocolates ….

A box of chocolates that you wish you could douse in disinfectant before touching.

Okay, disclaimer. It’s not like I am anywhere close to keeping the cleanest home on the planet.  Haha, I throw my head back and laugh at the thought. I’m no germaphobe, really.  But public spaces are different. And so, I have different ways of protecting myself in public – if only for psychological reasons.

The thought of contact with anything that’s been anywhere near some stranger’s ass sends me into tiny convulsions.  Sure, it’s probably just “fresh” toilet water that sprayed up when the last person flushed (some of those toilets are loud and powerful, like they flush things to the core of the earth, out the other side, and clear into space – there has to be a better design out there somewhere), but still – ewwwww.  Thus, I always wipe public toilet seats with tissue before perching upon them.

So, standard public bathroom protocol is: wipe – toss – sit – wipe – flush – wash.  That’s just how it goes. I knew you were wondering.

Sometimes, if there is more than just a tiny spot of “spray” on the seat, or Jebus help us, the “spray” has a yellowish tint, the formula goes: wince – wipe – hover – wipe – flush – wash.  At no point does your ass hit the seat.  That’s what your quads are for.

Some people make a protective barrier of toilet paper in strips before sitting.

I came across a Public Toilet Survival Kit, which some might find handy, if you get really grossed out.

Some public restrooms you already know what the routine will be before you ever step foot inside.  Gas stations?  That’s a no-brainer. And then you go in and the only light is a BLACK LIGHT. Party in the loo! That’s a hover-and-touch-nothing-at-all-costs kind of bathroom break. Shake dry, if you must. Other places to look out for are understaffed laundromats and coffee shops, and anywhere where small boys (aiming in training) or people with too much Christmas (or any other kind of) cheer may frequent.

Same, but now you are at a gas station with a black light.

Huffington Post has a few PRO-tips, like – choose the first stall, it’s usually the cleanest, and where the dirtiest spots in the bathroom are.

This holiday season as you hustle and bustle through busy public spaces, consider your public potty routine. What kind of places do you avoid going at all cost?  Well, except for the cost that can be defined as actually wetting your pants. Or would you prefer to wet your pants?  Nah. You must have a worst-case-scenario routine for visiting grotesque bathrooms. Share in the comments. I won’t laugh, I promise.

More about Julie Prescesky

Julie spends much of her time paying attention to what's happening around her. At Design Inkarnation, she's head designer, illustrator, writer and creative problem solver.

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